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Post by churchofnoch on Apr 6, 2012 20:05:17 GMT -5
I am Dravakim. I was the greatest warrior of Casmandam. I killed 75 Orks in the Dark war between us and the Orks. I returned home a hero. Not all was pleased though. A man by the name of Rithan challenged me to a battle of strength. We met in the town square and fought to the death. Just as I was about to kill him, he cast a dark spell. Dark magic is forbidden in Casmandam. I was
knocked out. I awoke here with no memory of how i got there, stripped of all armor and weapons. I must seek revenge on Rithan.
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Post by bobruk098 on Apr 6, 2012 20:07:09 GMT -5
This character seems little god moding? maybe it just me.
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Post by churchofnoch on Apr 6, 2012 20:11:10 GMT -5
I was a very vain, rich warrior. Then I was defeted and shamed. I once acted like a god on earth. I am really just strong. Thats it.
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Post by deltajesus on Apr 6, 2012 20:12:19 GMT -5
I wouldn't normally be so harsh but... this is just plain terrible, you need to make your sentences sound less like they were written by a caveman and throw in a couple connectives.
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Post by bobruk098 on Apr 6, 2012 20:12:21 GMT -5
So you aren't the greatest? maybe change it to a great warrior
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Post by churchofnoch on Apr 6, 2012 20:16:58 GMT -5
Bobburk, I said I was the greatest warrior in Casmadam. Not in the world or anything. And Delta, sorry you did not like it. Sorry im not the most creative in your book. I wanted to keep it short and sweet.
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Post by deltajesus on Apr 6, 2012 20:20:21 GMT -5
It's not a lack of creativity that I dislike, I'm not a particularly creative person myself, it's just really poor English.
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Post by Rei.Blackwind on Apr 7, 2012 15:10:00 GMT -5
Dravakim, Few things. First, come up with a last name. Second, this is kind of a cookie cutter bio. There's far too many "greatest warriors of (insert town name here)" floating around. Try to be a little more original. Third, try to add more info about your character and the town he came from. Not to be offensive, but it seems as if it was given very little thought. Add some info and a last name and we'll take another look at it.  |
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Post by churchofnoch on Apr 15, 2012 6:05:40 GMT -5
I just wanted a nice server to play on. Me and my friends had no idea how hard it is just to get on. And so many people are hating on me and my frieds bio's. SO I have a new bio in the works. Its being typed in Mircosoft word and will be a frickin essay (because thats how long it seems you people want it to be.) So just wait. I am completely trashing this charater.
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Post by deltajesus on Apr 15, 2012 6:54:16 GMT -5
We're not hating on your bio, just trying to help you get it accepted. Also, it doesn't need to be an essay, just look at some of the more recently accepted bios. They just have to be good.
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Post by Aura.Blackwind on Apr 15, 2012 13:49:11 GMT -5
Lol, if you want to see some long bios, look at mine, AkureiMusume's, Lucavex's, Zigggy's, and many others that are on that page.
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